Is there anything in the world that feels more awkward to brides than singling out some friends to publicly hold up as your “best” friends while the “other” friends who didn’t make the cut sit among the guests and watch?

The correct answer would be “absolutely,” but when you’re a bride about to pick her bridesmaids, the answer might seem a little more ambiguous. For me, it wasn’t particularly awkward. My bridesmaids were Danny’s sister and several of my best friends, all girls I’d been close to for years and years, who had seen me through my teenage years and stuck by me through college and beyond. We had history together, and we knew we would have a future together, even as life pulled us to different corners of the country.

I know a lot of brides feel that way, too. Their bridesmaids are the women who have been their rocks, their constant in a life of ever-changing friendships and situations.But then again, it’s not always that simple. Some brides want a very small bridal party but have lots of friends. Some brides have dear old friends with whom they’ve largely been out of touch, and new friends they love but don’t yet have the level of trust and camaraderie they want with their bridesmaids. Some brides know exactly which friends they would like to ask to be bridesmaids, but know there are other friends who will feel incredibly left out.

While grooms aren’t entirely exempt from this particular problem, they definitely don’t usually seem to stress over it to the level that brides do. Groomsmen generally just kind of show up and look good on the wedding day.Bridesmaids, meanwhile, more often than not end up deeply involved in the wedding planning itself. So for brides, I’m convinced it’s usually a more difficult situation.

I can’t offer a solution to make the problem go away for brides and grooms who have a difficult time choosing their bridal party, but I can offer some advice for how to navigate the issue.

Consider the history of your friendship — and the status of your friendship now — and what you think the status of your friendship will be in the future.
If you were close friends long ago but have hardly seen each other or spoken for the past several years, don’t feel obligated to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid/groomsman. You certainly can, but if life has taken you in opposite directions, chances are this person would still love an invitation to the wedding, but probably won’t expect to be asked to be a part of the bridal party. On the flipside, if someone is a very close friend now but you’ve only known each other for a few months, you might not feel that you have enough history to tell you whether this person will still be close to you in another year or two.

Have other wedding roles ready if you want to make people feel included without formally being named a bridesmaid or groomsman.
Oftentimes, there are several significant jobs at weddings that are handled by people close to the bride and groom. There are readers and singers during the ceremony, ushers to seat guests, greeters to pass out programs or direct guests to the guest book. Consider asking non-bridal party friends or family to take on these roles if you believe they want to play an active role in your wedding.

Don’t get so caught up in your own wedding that non-bridal-party friends feel as if they’re excluded from your life.
This is advice that will win you bonus points even with the people who are in your bridal party. After you’re engaged, if you still take an active interest in your friends’ lives and get together with them, they’re far less likely to feel snubbed by not being asked to be a bridesmaid/groomsman than if you dive headlong into wedding planning at the exclusion of everything and everyone else who used to matter to you. Your friends are your friends — that’s why you want them to be at your wedding, whether or not you want them in your bridal party. So make sure they know you haven’t stopped caring about them as soon as you started planning your wedding.And remember — choosing your bridal party isn’t a popularity contest. This isn’t about choosing your favorites and excluding everyone else. It’s about asking the people closest to you to stick even closer on a day when your life will change forever.

~ Laura